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Frustrated...

I probably told some of you already about what I usually do when I first get a new CD.  No...putting the CD into my CD player (yes, I occassionally still do use this thing) or my computer is not what I do.  I simply pull out the lyrics card that comes with the CD and start reading all of what's inside.  I can't quite remember since when this habit has become a part of me... All I know is that it's been happening for a long time now, and it's not likely to change anytime soon.

Perhaps, the reason why I'm so attracted to lyrics is because I used to write some myself.  I was probably in middle school or something when I first started writing... I haven't written one in so long though, mostly because I don't have time and emotional stability/calmness/clarity to contemplate and express my feelings in words.  I guess this is what happens when the days are filled with all sorts of activities, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall to sleep.  In a sense, I can say that I'm having fulfilling days... Having something to do does occupy my time, and I don't have to sit in my room being bored all the time.  But, I also need some time on my own when I'm not doing anything in particular so that I can just think and feel freely without getting distracted by passing time. 

Writing lyrics is a good way for me to get everything out of my mind and heart, even for a short amount of time.  I like experiencing that fresh "feeling" of not having anything inside of my intellectual/emotional system.  I know that many people are capable of releasing their thoughts and feelings in speech, and they don't have to deal with writing everything down... Unfortunately, I've lived long enough to fully know that I'm not a conversationalist.  It actually frustrates me so much when I can't think of anything to say... I immediately start thinking that I'm boring the other person to death, and I strive to quickly find something to say, ending up finding myself failing miserably.  Whenever that happens (which is almost every single day), I try to comfort myself by thinking that I have a talent in expressing my thoughts and feelings in writing...so there is nothing to feel ashamed of or feel bad about myself.  Maybe, I'm too conceited in saying that.  Maybe, I don't have any talent in writing whatsoever.  But, everyone needs to think a tiny bit optimistically about oneself, if they want to retain at least a small amount of self-esteem...right?

As always, I've been ranting on and on without a specific purpose or directionality.  I guess I'm currently in the mood of wanting to get everything out of my mind and heart, and Xanga just happened to be its most available vehicle.  Don't get me wrong... I don't care if I'm a great conversationalist or not.  And, I'm not asking or seeking to be like some of my friends, who can entertain everybody around them with their speech all the time.  I guess...all I want is the ability to come up with things to say so that I won't be boring the other person to death...

Summer Break 2006

My summer break 2006 will officially be over in less than a week.  I can't believe that I'll be studying (or trying to study, as I'll probably be falling asleep due to severe jet lags...) in classes starting next week >_< 

A-month-and-a-half-long summer break felt so long and so short at the same time, a feeling that I can't quite express in words.  It felt longer than when I'm actually in school, probably because I've visited so many places and done so many things in relatively a short amount of time.  Simultaneously, it felt shorter, most likely because each day was something unique, not just a repetition of the day prior.  Reading over what I've just written, I feel like I've merely repeated the same reasoning... But, I guess it's understandable, because feeling like this summer break was long and short at the same time is already a contradiction.  So, it makes sense that the reasoning behind that contradiction is also contradictory, another paradox that cannot be explained easily.

Sorry for that digression and nonsense...

This summer break was truly an eye-opening experience for me, though I've not done anything that is particularly eye-opening... As I wrote in my previous entry, after going back to Bangkok, Thailand for roughly two weeks, my family took a vacation to the United States Midwest region for about a week.  My sister, who will become a senior in high school, wanted to visit some of the colleges there, and so we did... We went to U. of Illinois, Northwestern, U. of Michigan, and of course Purdue, which is located in the town we used to live for seven years.  Even though I loved the location and atmosphere of Northwestern, one thing made me kind of upset... I couldn't find a really good hot dog shop I ate at several years ago, when I was there for a FIRST robotics regional tournament :( 

Umm...yeah. 

Anyway, I guess enough is said about my visit to the United States Midwest region, since I wrote about it in my previous entry... In Japan, my sister and I visited and stayed in our grandparents' houses in western parts of Japan.  We were originally planning on staying there for only two weeks, but we extended the stay by another week, because well, I guess we enjoyed staying there.  Aside from going on major (?) shopping sprees, we went on a drive into the mountains and visited Nagasaki for the second time. 

One thing that's worth mentioning about our trip to Nagasaki... I rode a night-time train for the first time in my life :D  Each compartment had two two-story-high beds, meaning four people could stay in each compartment at one time.  My sister and I slept on top banks, and I thought that I would be trainsick (I think this is the right word...) if I stayed awake for a long time... But, I ended up not having any problem whatsoever, because I fell asleep instanteneously and didn't wake up until seven to eight hours later ^^; 

Our visit to Nagasaki... Although it was our second time going there, it was more like our first, because we went there when we were little.  It made me really think about taking my future children on vacations when they're small... They won't remember most (if not all) of what happens during vacations, so what's the point of taking them to distant places in the first place??  Yeah, I know this sounds so sarcastic, but I couldn't help but think this way when my sister said that she didn't remember anything about our first trip to Nagasaki... I was about seven or eight when I was there, so I did remember some of the places we visited.  Though, it's not really apparent whether I remember seeing places with my naked eyes or whether I remember seeing them in pictures later on... We all know that memories can be unreliable at times.

The same thing happened when I visited Nagasaki's Atomic Bomb Museum as when I visited Hiroshima's counterpart several years ago.  I felt some emotions that are so strong that there is no way I can express them in words.  I was looking for a notebook in the museum in which I can write down my comments in, but I was kind of relieved that I didn't find it... I probably wouldn't have known what or how to write in it.  I really should visit these museums in future again, just so that I would be able to understand and communicate the feelings I experienced this time around.

This about sums up the highlights of my summer break 2006.  I know that I forgot to write or purposely avoided writing about some parts of my summer, but I think (hope) that those people who care to know about my vacation will get the idea of it at the very least.  Thanks for reading until the end, I know that this entry was unusually long... ^^;  I guess I really was in a mood of writing something today.

Nonsense

It was 4 years ago that I had left this place.  It was 3 years ago that I had last visited this place.  Time obviously had passed, either a little or a lot, depending on how you see it... But, strangely enough, as my father drives through the city, I feel as if I've been living here as long as I can remember.  I feel as if...I've never left this place.  It's a fuzzy, mixed feeling that I probably can't ever express in words.

To be honest, this city is not the only location at which I feel this way.  Whenever I visit Bangkok, Thailand, where my family currently lives, I find myself experiencing more or less the same feeling.  Even though I only lived in Bangkok for 2 years and I'm not at all knowledgeable about the place, I feel as if I've been living there for a long, long time.  I don't know... I guess I feel as if I've never left the city to attend a university that's far far away. 

I know I'm not making any sense...in fact, I'm confusing myself even more as I continue writing this nonsensical diary entry.  Usually, writing something down enables me to understand materials easier by organizing my mind, especially in academic situations.  But, that strategy is not functioning very well in this case, probably because this is something that's more strongly associated with emotions and feelings, rather than thoughts and logics.  I guess what I'm going through now is one of those times when you just don't know how to express your emotions... Or, you don't even know what your feelings are to begin expressing.  My sarcastic nature finds it rather amusing that this is so... Usually, human emotions and feelings are viewed as primitive and uncivilized, compared to thoughts and logics.  The society places more emphasis on being able to think rather than being able to feel something.  But, are emotions and feelings really that primitive, when thoughts and logics can't find any way to express them?  The more I think about this, the more I see only contradictions.

I'm sorry for all the nonsensical remarks and digressions in this diary entry... Now, I don't even remember what I was originally going to write about, but I guess I just wanted to comment on the mixed feeling I'm experiencing at the moment.  Maybe, it's just one symptom of identity crisis that I have to battle with from time to time... I don't know where I'm from.  I don't know what I am.  I don't even know who I am.  My friend used to say that he doesn't have a house... The only thing that's clear at this moment in time is that I can completely understand why he said that.

Getting MySpace...

Yep, the title explains all.  I just got a MySpace account, and I'm writing this entry to let all of you know that.  I've been neglecting Xanga recently, and I feel like I'll continue to do so... I can't come up with any reason as to why that is, but I guess it might be because there aren't any incentive to log on frequently... As for MySpace, it has more than just writing journal entries (like sending messages and leaving comments), so I feel like I'll log in more and use it to write entries.  Writing in English will be essential during the summer break, because I won't use English otherwise... Well, I might still use it to a certain extent when I'm talking to my sister, but I won't have any chance to actually use the language to write something.  And, as many of you may already know, talking and writing are completely different mechanisms.

So, here is my MySpace URL: www.myspace.com/aya_neko.  Please send me a friend request if any of you have the MySpace account!  I'd love to keep in touch with all of you!!  But, if you don't have a MySpace account, then I'm very sorry for deciding to close this Xanga account... MySpace may still allow you to leave comments on journal entries even if you're not a MySpace account holder, so if you want to (or have time because you're on summer break), please try it out!!  Or, I also have a facebook account, so please look me up there :)

Alright~  I probably won't update MySpace until a few weeks from now (when all the exams are over and I'm finally on summer break), but I'll see you there!  I'll probably keep this Xanga until I really start using MySpace, but most likely I won't write any more entries here... Sorry for the sudden announcement, and hope to see all of you in MySpace or facebook or BOTH :D